Sometime I wish I knew what the fuck was wrong with me. At least if I knew I could find a way to better hid it from people. I’m afraid of getting close so I push people away, because it scares me when someone says they care. I don’t believe them. I’m in so much pain I don’t know why I keep myself alive anymore. It would be easier to just go away. It’s not like I have a place to call my own anyways. I’m just an inconvenience to everyone around me I take up space in a place where there is none to spare for me. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I’m lost in this place where people have high expectations of me that I can not fulfill. I don’t want to disappoint anyone more than I already have, but it’s hard to satisfy them all. I keep getting told “do what makes you happy” and “do something that’s actually going to help you in the future and not be a waist just because you like it” I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want to do anymore, I don’t know what everyone wants me to do to make them happy. Ive never had te choice before so when they throw me in the lions den and tell me to choose I don’t know what to do. I just want to run until I die, scream until the pain goes away. I know I’m not going to live long anyways so why not just end it now. I’m not going to die old, I probably will never have children, no one could ever like something like me, even I don’t. With all my medical problems, mental disorders, and ugly personality that matches my outside; something like me shouldn’t exist in this world. I just want the pain to stop, the scars to go away that bring back all the painful memories with them. I can’t even look a person in the eye and tell them what happened to me when they see my scars. I lie and tell them I don’t know. The truth is I do know, and wish I had no idea. Maybe I’ll get lucky and get hit by a car again but this time not make it through. If only.
and god damn it, i can barely say your name
so I’ll try to write it and fill the pen with blood from the sink
In watching the news they has a story about a woman leaving her kid at Chucky cheese after her birthday party. It kind of made me laugh because it took her till the next day to figure out one of her 10 kids was missing. XD made me think about other people and how and if they were ever left somewhere. I remember when I was a kid I got left at a park because me and my sister look alike. My aunt thought I hot in the car but she had just seen my sister twice and thought one of those times it was me. XD I watched has she drove away without me. I was kind of shocked but didn’t cry because I was confused on why she left me xD she eventually came speeding down the road and got me xD I just sat in one spot and waited. Oh my childhood joys. :D
